Putting the 'Sing' in 'Hellsing'
by Revan's split personality
Summary: Another one of those wonderful 'man, if only I was there..' things. Except this isn't me, and mine always end up with huge amounts of humor, a notable lack of romance, and excessive profanity. This is no exception. And no selfinsert fic. Just to clarify.
1. Chapter 1

-1Yeah yeah, I have other long-term stories STILL in the works (they're NOT dead yet peoples, just…erm…_abandoned_ for the time being. On vacation. Yeeah.) but I figured 'Hey! Why not start ANOTHER story I'll most likely never finish!? Isn't that the greatest idea of the year?! Aren't we glad that it isn't that far into the year yet!!' So much time for so many stupid ideas to worm their way out of my demented head and into this word program! Yaay. After much arguing with myself (I tend to do that a lot. Out loud. In the middle of class.), I came to the conclusion that it would be more productive than working on that damned English essay I have due in..oooh…two days. I'll get it done tomorrow.

DISCLAIMER: Well, I sincerely doubt I'll be sued for this, but here it is: I do not own Hellsing or any characters, symbols, etc. affiliated with Hellsing. They're probably all trademarked and whatnot, and not by me, otherwise I wouldn't need this stupid disclaimer, would I? I also don't own anything else I might venture to mention. They're all the property of their respective owners, which sure as hell isn't me. I know that much.

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Chapter 1- More like a Pathetic Intro, but Whatever.

It was just like any other utterly unremarkable day at the small college I went to. The morning had been briefly entertaining, but that soon passed. I decided I would try to stave off the suffocating boredom by telling my best friend Brandi about the whole kerfluffle.

"Right. So I walk into the garage to get into my car when I hear this weird squeaking and fluttering. I look up at the roof, and what do I see? A bloody bat! There's no bats around my house! Well…at least I've never seen any before. So I was like, 'Yeah, whatever. It's just a bat. It's not like it's going to eat my antifreeze or anything.' I go to get into my car when SWOOP!"

I 'accidentally' whacked Brandi's ex -boyfriend, as he walked by, in the face with an obscenely over-exaggerated arm movement. Without pausing to even consider saying anything to him as he laid on the floor beside the booth, holding his nose as a small pool of blood collected on the floor, I continued. " The damn thing flew right into my car! Like it was on purpose!" I sighed.

"Ew. Bats are gross." Brandi wrinkled her nose as she spit her old gum on her ex, who was just starting to get to his feet.

"Eh, not really. Don't interrupt me, damnit. Where was I? Oh right. I was too lazy to even bother trying to get it out, not to mention the fact that I was already leaving about ten minutes later than I should have. It was sort of flapping and fluttering around in the back seat so I threw my coat over it."

"…and?"

I gave her a blank look. "And what?" She raised her eyebrows. "Oh! Well, when I got to school, I grabbed my coat off of it, which seemed to piss it off, but whatever. I'm not going to cater to a bat that isn't mine. When I went to close the door, it freaked out and just sort of flew off, but not before running straight into my face." I frowned slightly. "Bats aren't as soft as Fern Gulley would have you believe."

"Fern Gulley didn't make me believe that bats were soft."

"Oh. Well then, shut up." I sighed and drank my coffee. "Thank God for Starbucks."

"If I were you I'd be thanking Satan."

"What? Why?" She just shook her head. "What??" I looked around to see that her ex had left. "Did he yell at me?"

"Yep."

"I sure didn't notice that." We both shrugged, then gathered our books for our next classes. "We'll meet in this booth again after, alright?"

"I'm going to stop by the little shop there to buy my brother a birthday present." She gave a little sigh as she shouldered her bag.

"Yeah. I'm sure he'll like a bag of chips and a stale danish for his birthday." She gave me an offended glare.

"They sell Kinder Eggs."

"Yeah, but your brother is turning _fourteen._"

"Eh. We were never that close." She laughed. I shook my head slowly.

"Fine. I'll meet you in the stupid little store. Later." She gave me a small wave before wandering down a separate hallway. I trudged into my sociology class and sat down in my usual spot: as far back as you can get, and as far away as possible from everyone else. I was never the sociable type, but the people in that class just _annoyed_ me to no end. Too chatty. I passed the time by randomly doodling in the margins of my sparse notes. Before I knew it, the class was over. I quickly packed up my things without fretting over the fact that I had just PAID for the last fifty minutes and had actively avoided learning anything, and walked out towards the shop. Just as she had said, she was waiting outside the shop. What wasn't expected was that she was having what looked to be a pleasant conversation with a seven foot tall priest. I paused for a moment, briefly considering the option of turning around and hiding in a dark corner, before shaking my head clear and sauntering up beside her. I don't know _what_ was telling me to FLEEEEE!!!, or _why_, but I decided that since he was a priest and all, I would be fine. We were in a public place, after all.

"Hey Brandi." It came out flatter than I had meant it to. She flashed me an odd look before plastering a friendly smile on her face.

"Father Anderson, this is my friend Alexia."

I was _going_ to smile and say hi, but the evil sneer that Anderson dude had on his face was enough to make my blood run cold. There was a brief and incredibly awkward moment of silence.

"Umm…I'm going to go sit down." I said slowly, not taking my eyes off Anderson. He was a _sneaky_ looking sort. Sneaky, as in the-moment-you-look-away-I'm-going-to-stab-you-in-the-neck sort. More homicidal than sneaky, but you get the idea.

"Oh. Uhh…okay. I'll be there in a minute." Brandi stammered out, clearly uncomfortable with the random inexplicable animosity between me and the priest. I slowly backed up a couple of steps before turning and walking to the vacant booth. I sat down heavily and hoisted my book bag onto the table.

"Holy shit that man was _freeeeeeeaky."_ I sighed and pulled out my English textbook. "She better not talk to him for too much longer. He'll probably lure her into a dark alley somewhere and rape her or something. Beat her to death with a crucifix." I slowly turned the pages of the book until I realized I didn't know what I was supposed to have read. Groaning, I argued with myself over whether or not it was worth digging out my binder to find out. In the end my laziness won and I decided to just read the first story that caught my attention. "Oooh! 'The Tell-Tale Heart'. Poe, my man, you've saved me once again." I had just started into the third paragraph when Brandi sat down across from me and slid me a large coffee across the table. I regarded it for a moment before looking at her. "A peace offering?"

She sighed heavily. "I'm sorry about that. I don't know why he doesn't like you."

"I don't _care_ why he doesn't like me. I don't _want_ him to like me. What I _want_ to know is why _you _were _talking_ to _him_." She refused to look me in the eye. I was about to ask her again when I heard someone clear their throat. I looked up to see an older man, dressed up like a butler (he even had a monocle, which led me to believe that this dude was _awesome_), smiling apologetically.

"I hate to interrupt, but I was wondering if you knew of any other booths such as this one that might possibly be available."

I checked my watch. "I don't think you'll have much luck. It's lunch, and most students have a break now. One of the perks of being able to choose your own classes." He looked slightly disappointed. "But you're welcome to share this booth with us, if you like."

He adjusted his monocle. "I'll be back in a moment."

"Huh. I've never seen him around…" Brandi craned her neck to try to follow where he was walking off to. "I wonder why he was dressed up like that."

I shrugged. "There seems to be a lot of strange people around here. Like mister tall, blonde and psycho you were talking to not three minutes ago." She was about to give me some sort of retort when the bespectacled-erm- monocled man came back.

"Sharing the booth with you would be most agreeable."

"Alright. I'll just jump over to the other side then." I quickly got out and shoved Brandi over.

"Why'd you have to offer up our booth?" She hissed under her breath as more footsteps approached.

"Why not? It wasn't he creepy priest dude, at least." We both watched as a tall blonde woman wearing a very expensive-looking green suit walked up and surveyed the booth.

"It'll have to do." She said darkly before sitting down. She slid over to allow room for the older man, and they both slid over to allow room for another seven foot tall man in a red trench coat and a wide-brimmed red hat. Brandi stared at them, and I glared at her. The strangers just sort of sat there in silence. I sighed.

"Anyway…" I snapped my fingers in front of Brandi's face to get her attention. "I was going to ask why you were-"

"Let me out." She hadn't taken her eyes off the man in the red coat. Her eyes were wide and she was breathing faster than normal. To state it simply: she was scared shitless.

"Not until I get some damn answers out of you." I stated stubbornly. Normally I would care enough to let her out, knowing she was scared like that. Wait…no. I wouldn't have. Nevermind. "What were you talking to that dude about?"

She took a deep breath. "He offered me a scholarship through the church."

"…eh?"

"I'm going to go to an all-girls school in the Vatican."

It was all I could do to stop myself from screaming. I managed to keep it to a pathetic squeak. "You're _what!?_" I hissed, grabbing her by the shoulders. "Are you even _listening_ to yourself!? It sounds like a bloody convent to me! They're going to lock you up there and turn you into a nun!" I couldn't help but pause and snicker at the notion. "Heh heh…you're going to be a nun! Eh, urgh…where was I? Right. You're fucking INSANE!" I shook her violently until I felt she was shaken enough, then let her go. I crossed my arms and glared. "In the Vatican. Peh. I didn't even know they had a school in the bloody Vatican."

"They do!" She cried out indignantly, like I was using the Vatican as a proxy to insult her. "Father Anderson said-"

"WAIT!"

We both looked in astonishment at the blonde woman. She was sitting stiffly upright, her palms splayed on the cheap laminated table. "..did you just say 'Anderson'?"

I pointed at Brandi. "That was the name of the man she was talking about. Father Anderson, or something. He creeped me right the fuck out, but offered her a bloody scholarship. Out of nowhere. Go figure. Asshole…" I grumbled angrily under my breath as Brandi roller her eyes.

"If he had offered you a scholarship you would have taken it?"

I sneered at my friend. "HELL no. But still." She snorted.

"So he _is_ here…Walter!"

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

Integra leaned over and whispered something into Walter's ear. He nodded, then smiled. "Yes, Sir Integra." He turned to the man in red and nodded, a gesture the man seemed to recognize, for he grinned most evilly and nodded in return. Grey-filtered sunlight glinted off his reddish-orange sunglasses.

"Will you let me out now please?" Brandi whined, looking rather distressed. I shrugged.

"No, not yet. I still have more questions for you-"

"Are you a virgin?"

I turned to face the man in red. A questioning look crossed my face, and I pointed to Brandi. He shook his head. I pointed to myself. He nodded.

"Uh, yeah. Why? You doing some sort of survey or something?" The only answer to my question was a crooked grin. "Uh, oookay then. While I can't say that's the first time someone's asked me that, I can say that it's the most random." Walter and the man both let out soft chuckles before all three left the booth. Integra and the man in red left without saying a word, but Walter stopped and gave us a little bow.

"Thank you very much for sharing this space with us, Miss…?"

I paused for a moment. "Alexia."

Walter smiled. "Miss Alexia. Good day to you."

"Yeah, you too." Brandi and I were both silent for a long time. "I wonder what the hell _that_ was all about."

"Do you get the feeling that we're about to get caught up in something very, _very_ bad?" Brandi asked quietly. I nodded.

"Nope. Anyway, you can't SERIOUSLY be thinking about using that 'scholarship'. You're crazy. You're just crazy."

"Did you notice that man in red?" She completely ignored my question and just sat there, staring at the now vacant seat. " All he did was stare at you."

"At least he's better than that Anderson dude. He gave me BAD vibes, girl."

"They couldn't have been HALF as bad as the vibes I was getting from that dude."

"Oh, whatever." I shoved my books back into my bag and sighed. "It's about time we got off to English class. Let's go." I grabbed the coffee and slid out, shouldering my bag as I stood up. I looked over to find Brandi still staring at nothing. I reached over and grabbed her by the arm. "Let's GO already. Look-he's not there anymore. No sense staring into empty space. Save that for class." She forced a small smile on her face for the comment and got up.

"Right. Let's go. Did you read 'Othello'?"

"ARGH! I wasn't supposed to read a short story AT ALL?!!"

It was about half way through English class when I was brought out of my pleasant day dreams of me killing the Lucky Charms leprechaun by the sound of-

"Gunshots??" I looked around wildly to see mass chaos erupt in the classroom (probably because it was mostly comprised of girls). People were screaming and running everywhere. Some were hiding under their desks, mumbling prayers to themselves. "Yeah, like that's going to help you." Brandi and I exchanged glances. I sighed, got up, and made my way to the door to confirm what we both suspected. Well, I'd imagine we were both suspecting the same thing. I'm not bloody psychic, so I'm just assuming. I'm getting off topic. I opened the door and looked out to see- lo and behold- Anderson waving around bayonets, and the man in red, holding a rather large hand gun. I blinked a couple of times before slowly closing the door.

"Okay Alex, let's try that again, except this time, when you open the door, you're going to see a couple of firecrackers in the hallways and some jerks laughing at all the screaming girls. Ready…now!" I opened the door again to find the same scene, strangely unaltered despite the transgression in time.

"Well shit."

I must have said that louder than I meant to, because both parties turned their line of sight directly at me.

"You! You little heathen!" Anderson spat out, his voice thick with an Irish accent. "As soon as I'm finished obliterating this abomination, I'm going to get you!"

"Hmph. I always knew people from the Vatican were insane homicidal maniacs." I snorted derisively. This wasn't true, of course. I actually thought the Popemobile was pretty awesome. Then again, they had to have the Popemobile made like that because of would-be assassins…but their own kind? Naaaah. Wait…where was I again? I was brought back to reality as one of Anderson's bayonets imbedded itself centimetres from my face. " You're only proving my point, you know. Whatever happened to the commandment 'Thou Shall Not Kill'?" The halls were eerily silent, save the echoes of quick footsteps which were getting closer. I was trying to see where they were coming from when I was suddenly pushed from behind and fell flat on my face. I scrambled to my feet just in time to have the door slammed in my face. I tried the doorknob, already knowing that it would be pointless.

"Locked. Well isn't that sweet. Thanks for caring, everyone. I'll see you in the DEEPEST PITS OF HELL!!" I banged as hard as I could on the door, glaring through the skinny rectangular window at the people cowering against the opposite wall. Brandi stood up and walked over to the window. "Hey! Open the door for a minute!"

She shook her head sadly and mouthed the words 'I'm sorry'. She then proceeded to tape a piece of paper to the door, blocking off the entire window. I was utterly speechless. I sputtered off a few random consonant/verb combinations before turning around., ready to face certain doom. I probably would have, too, if Walter hadn't randomly shown up and grabbed my arm. I gave him a surprised look as he dragged me away from the scene.

"Foolish girl! Now you've gone and gotten yourself involved in all this!" Integra scowled as she chastised me coldly.

"Like I did it on purpose! Those traitors kicked me out of the classroom! Like the stupid door is some sort of impenetrable barrier of magic or something. Any what the hell do you mean, 'involved'?" Walter sighed.

"This is a most inappropriate place for a battle to occur." Walter commented blandly, adjusting his monocle.

Integra puffed on a cigar and nodded in agreement.

"I don't know why he'd be here to begin with." She took another puff.

"Okay, I've had enough of this enigma. Who are you? Who are they? And WHY does that stupid 'priest' want me dead?"

Integra chuckled darkly, but didn't offer up an answer. Walter stood, a slight smile on his face.

"Ugh, whatever." I rubbed my temples and jumped a bit as more gunshots rang through the halls, along with random yelling. "This is like some really strange nightmare, except I know I'm not sleeping." I growled. "That bitch locked me out."

"Who?" Integra's blue eyes flashed up at me.

"My friend. The one who was in the booth with me. She's probably the one who pushed me, too. What a bitch. Would it have been that much harder for her to _pull_ rather than _push_? Seriously!"

"And you said that Anderson had offered her a…_scholarship_?"

I nodded. "Something to do with her church or something. I don't know. It's odd that she'd just drop everything here and take up some random scholarship from some equally random dude, then try to kill me. Maybe she needs to cut down on the caffeine. Or maybe she's on crack. I don't know."

"Recruiting? Here?" Walter furrowed his brow. "Why here?"

Integra answered simply, "Why not?" He let out a small 'hmm' before going silent again. "Besides, Walter, isn't that the very reason _we're_ here?"

"Well, our sources said-"

"Whatever our sources said, _their_ sources probably said, too." Integra pulled another cigar out of a small carton just moments after flicking the old one on the floor and stomping angrily on it. It wasn't even half finished. Walter pulled a fancy gold lighter out of one of his pockets and lit Integra's cigar with a small bow. I cringed as more gunshots were heard, and a thin veil of dust slowly rolled down the stairs towards us. I pulled my shirt up over my nose, a gesture that didn't go unnoticed by the other two.

"Why are you doing that?" Integra asked coldly.

"This school is old, and if those walls and ceilings had asbestos in them, I don't want to be breathing it in."

They looked at each other and decided to walk a bit further down the hall. Walter went to shoo away the small (but rapidly growing) group of students that had congregated a short distance away, and faint sirens could be heard in the distance.

"Alucard better hurry this up. We don't have all day to play around." Integra muttered. As if on cue, the two duelling giants came crashing down the steps. Walter's job was done for him as the group of students ran for their lives, screaming something about murderers and basketball team members. I shook my head slowly before continuing to watch the battle. Anderson was stabbing and flinging, while Alucard was dodging and shooting. I got a rather nasty cut on my right arm when a bayonet Alucard had dodged barely missed me by some miracle. I grimaced and put a hand over it.

"AAAAANDERSOOOON!!"

I spun around to see a random dude with a long black ponytail running down the hall behind us. He was waving his hands frantically.

"The mission has been accomplished! This is not the place nor the time to be fighting that abomination! There will be time for that la-OOF!" He fell to the ground as I nonchalantly put my foot in his path while whistling innocently.

"Oh my! Are you hurt?" False concern laced my voice as I grabbed one of his arms and hauled him to his feet. I had to fight hard to suppress my smile. Integra and Walter just didn't try at all. He ripped his arm out of my grasp and dusted himself off, trying to regain his composure.

"I'm fine." He glared at me before briskly walking up to Anderson during a moment of inaction. "We're leaving. Now." He shot me another glare."

"What!? What'd I do!?" I shrugged innocently, holding out my hands complacently. "I haven't the _slightest_ idea _why_ you fanatical religious types automatically hate me." Anderson smiled evilly when he noticed the nice gash on my upper arm. I scowled and covered it with my hand again, quickly giving him the finger. That wiped that self-righteous smirk off his face.

"I believe it's time for us to be leaving as well, Alucard." Integra said loudly. "We've found what we've been searching for."

For some reason, as soon as she said that, I got the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach. Sure enough, Walter grabbed my unscathed arm gently, a smile on his face.

"If you'd please come with us, then."

My first reaction was that of pure horror. "What!? Where?? Can't I get my bag from the classroom??" I heard Integra huff impatiently.

"Fine! Go get your bag." I detected a faint derision in her voice. "Alucard, open that door up."

"With pleasure, Master." He smiled crookedly and ascended the staircase. I ran up as fast as I could and got there just in time to see him pull out his gun and shoot the door handle clean off. There was nothing but a smouldering hole left. I raised my eyebrows and whistled.

"That's some heavy-duty gun. Awesome."

He chuckled and went back down the stairs. "You might as well say goodbye while you're in there. You're not going to get another chance."

"What do you mean by that?" I shrugged and walked into the class. No one had moved, and everyone watched me with fear-stricken eyes as I walked slowly to my desk, grabbed my bag, and made my way back out. Nobody said a word. Brandi was standing by the door, a grim look on her face. I took a deep breath and was about to walk right past her when she grabbed me by the wrist. Wordlessly, she pressed something into my hand, then walked back to the others. I didn't bother to look at what it was. I was still too pissed off about the whole getting locked out and left for dead thing. I just walked back down the stairs to where the three of them were standing. Only Integra had three small words for me:

"Welcome to Hellsing."

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And that's that. Feel free to tell me what you think of it and mock my spelling/grammar if you see errors. The next chapter, provided I get that far, will probably have more humor in it. Eh. 


	2. meetings, greetings, and my will

Just a little note to start things off...as far as I've seen, there are many spelling variations with Seras' (or however you spell it) name, so if you have any 'official' spelling, please tell me. Otherwise I'm just going to keep spelling it however I want to. I might even change it up once in a while, just to be different. Because that's just what I do. I live on the edge...the edge of GRAMMAR!

**Chapter 2: Stairway to Exhaustion, Meeting Seras, and My Last Will and Testament**

"Alright. We're just going to have to confirm a few things before your paperwork is all finished." Walter briefly looked up at me, probably to make sure I was still paying attention.

"Finally. We've only been working on this for about five hours."

"It has only been two at the most."

I groaned. "That's about two hours too many. Let's just get this finished so I can get some sleep." I rubbed my eyes tiredly.

"Yes, let's. Your full name is Alexia Winters?"

"Yep."

"You're currently eighteen years of age?"

"Until October twelfth."

"Your birth parents are?"

"Does it even matter anymore!? I'm never going to see them again!" I slouched a bit lower and narrowed my eyes. "Why do I need to confirm all this?"

Walter sighed and put his pen down. "Please, can we just get through this?"

I sat up and put my hands on the dark mahogany desk while leaning forward conspiratorially. "Look, we all know that everything in that history report is true, so I'm going to save us both time by issuing this statement: 'I, Alexia Winters, agree with and confirm every piece of information in that official report, whether I have seen it or otherwise.' There. Will that do?"

Walter smiled. "We can make it work." After ticking off some boxes and filling in some random blanks, he had me sign on several lines before grabbing the sheath of papers, tidying them up quickly and shoving them into a manila folder.

"Great. I'm off to bed then. See you later." I hauled my ass out of the uncomfortable wooden chair and went to shuffle my way into the dank stone hall when I was stopped by Walter.

"Wait!" I turned to face him with the blankest look I could manage. "Would you mind taking these papers up to Sir Hellsing for me? I have another project, you see, and I fear that I won't be able to make the deadline with all these interruptions and-"

"Say no more." I dragged myself back to the desk and accepted the folder from him. "And her office is where?"

"Up the steps, third door to your left." He pointed in the general direction, which wasn't all that informative, but whatever. People and their habits.

"Ah. Steps. Yaay." I smiled sarcastically to myself before turning to leave. "Of course there had to be steps. Lots and lots of steps. Why can't they have escalators installed? That'd be awesome. I wish I had escalators in my house. And waffles. I could really go for a waffle right about now. But not the toaster kind. I don't like those. They get soggy. I wonder if they have a recipe for waffle batter? Or pancakes. The don't get soggy unless you use too much syrup. Of course, they're not as crispy as waffles to begin with." I continued to mumble random things to myself as I walked along the hall and ascended the first set of stairs that led to the foyer. Lucky for me, Integra was standing at the top of the second set of stairs, bidding farewell to some visitors who were just out the door.

"Today's my lucky day. Sir Integra! I have some papers for you from Walter!" She moved her head slightly in acknowledgement, and in just a way that the light caught the lens of her glasses and reflected. I suddenly found myself looking into the face of a woman with two huge glowing orbs where her eyes should be. It was creepy how often that happened, actually. More than it probably should have. Apparently, they didn't have those glasses that have been designed not to reflect light here in London. Or, at least, they weren't that popular with everyone I'd met insofar. I managed to haul my ass up the stairs, even though I was crawling on my hands and knees for the last fifteen steps. I feebly held up the envelope towards her. She grabbed it nonchalantly and tucked it under her arm.

"You look awful. Maybe you should get some sleep."

"Really? Funny, since I feel so energetic and alive right at this moment. In fact, I feel so awake, I'm tired. Imagine that. I could just curl up and DIE right here. Sounds like a good idea to me." I curled up in a ball and rested my head on my arm.

"You cannot sleep on the staircase." Integra scolded.

"Watch me!" I shifted so I was in a more comfortable position and prepared myself for a nice nap. "Or you could just give me a nice little shove. Then I'd fall asleep in a broken pile at the bottom of the steps. Would that be more appropriate?"

Integra sighed heavily. "I don't have time for this…Alucard!"

Normally I would have bolted, but I was dead tired, so I just laid there waiting for the inevitable. I watched as the shadows in front of me began to shift and dance until a pair of black boots came into existence right in front of my face.

"Yes, Master?" I looked up to see Alucard standing at ease, that same slightly maniacal grin spread across his face.

"Get her out of here. Take her down to her room."

He looked down at me. "What, are your legs broken?"

I scowled deeply in return. "No, and I don't _want_ them to be broken, either. I just…ugh. I could barely drag my ass UP these damn stairs. Sure, going down in easier, but…I can't. I haven't slept in fourty-eight hours." I rubbed my eyes wearily and yawned. "I just want to sleep for a month." Integra looked at me with a slight frown then silently walked away. Wordlessly, Alucard picked me up and slung me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Or flour. Or something in a sack, anyway. Like, a sack full of dead weasels or something. Normally I would have protested, but I was so tired I was beginning to wonder if cows liked eating cheese, or something equally stupid and frivolous. It didn't take Alucard long to get downstairs, and he unceremoniously dropped me on to my bed and walked out of the room without giving me a second glance. I instantly fell asleep.

When I woke up, I found a couple of bright blue orbs floating right in front of my face. I blinked a couple of times before screaming and protecting my face from the blue orbs with my arms. When I lowered my arms and opened my eyes, there was a blonde girl sitting on my bed, looking rather frightened. There were no blue orbs to be seen. Phew.

"Holy shit! Don't do that to me! I thought there were a couple of disembodied blue orbs staring at me…" I shuddered at the memory before utter confusion took over. "Who the HELL are you!?"

She looked taken aback for a moment before letting out a small 'oh yeah!'. A bright smile crossed her face as she held her hand out to me. "Hi! My name's Seras Victoria."

I stared blankly at her hand for a few moments before looking back to her cheery countenance. "Get off of my bed." Her cheeks flushed slightly in embarrassment as she gingerly climbed off the side. We both jumped slightly as the door slammed open. Walter stood in the door frame, looking around in alarm. He spotted the two of us and let out a relieved sigh.

"Ah. I see you two have met."

"Who the hell is she?" I gave Seras a quick look. "No offence or anything. And for that matter, how long have I been asleep?"

"That is Seras Victoria, Hellsing's newest vampire. You've been asleep for thirteen hours."

I let out a huge yawn and stretched languidly. "Ah, I see." They were both standing there, looking at me expectantly. "…what? What do you want? Why are you both looking at me like that? Stop it! You're creeping me out!" I pulled the blankets over my head and curled up. "Go away. You're not wanted in Alex Land. EXILED!" The room was completely silent until I threw the covers off my face, gasping for air.

"Feeling better, Miss Winters?" Walter inquired politely, an eyebrow raised in amusement. I pursed my lips in discontent.

"No, but for the sake of something I don't care to even bother trying to identify, yes. I do. Very much so." Seras just looked utterly confused.

"Wait…you don't care that I'm a vampire?"

I looked at her, eyes wide with mock surprise. " Say _what_!? Get the hell out of here, you fucking freak! Go die in a corner or I'll beat you to death with a silver spoon!" Serace let out a small gasp of horror. "By which I mean no, I don't care that you're a vampire. Why would I? Geez. Sometimes, I just don't understand you people." I shook my head slowly as I plodded off towards the small washroom. I swung open the door and turned to Walter. "You know, for putting so much effort into making this large, beautiful room, you'd think the bathroom wouldn't be a dumpy little piece of shit like they have in bloody campers." He seemed slightly taken aback. "Not like I'd _complain_ or anything." I snickered as Walter took his leave. Unfortunately, his leave didn't come paired with Seras' leave, so I was stuck there with her. Sighing, I went into the little washroom.

"So…how did it happen?"

Seras looked up from her magazine with surprise. I raised my eyebrows expectantly. "How did what happen?"

"Ugh…you know? The whole vampire thing?" I rolled my eyes at her to communicate just how stupid her confusion was. She looked a bit depressed at my hostility, so I made an effort to soften up a bit. "Sorry. I should have communicated my thoughts a bit clearer. I'll try harder from now on." She perked up a bit at my apology and placed the magazine on a small side table that sat right up against her bed. She sat up a bit straighter and began to reiterate her story.

"Well, the police squad I was in was called to a disturbance in the small village of Cheddar."

I snickered loudly at the name of the town. "Heh heh…Cheddar…what the hell kind of name is that?" She stared at me blankly. "Oh…uh, go on." I cleared my throat uncomfortably before shifting my weight so I was leaning against the wall more comfortably. Comfort is paramount when you're listening to some crappy story you really don't care about. Oh wait…did I just say that out loud?

Apparently I didn't because Seras continued. "We were completely outnumbered, and we all got separated and taken down, one by one. Eventually, I was the only one left alive." She paused, which caused me to look at her. Tears of blood were running down her face. Creepy. Hopefully she wouldn't cry too much, otherwise things could get uncomfortably messy. She swallowed hard and continued with her story, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. "All the people I knew had been turned into ghouls, and they were coming right after me. I couldn't shoot them…I ran. I found myself in a graveyard, and there was a priest standing there, followed by a group of ghouls. I couldn't get away…he was too fast, and before I knew it he had a hold of me and was going to kill me when suddenly Master came out of nowhere and stopped him. I thought that-"

"Whoah. Wait a minute." I held my hands up as a signal for her to shut up. "Who's this 'master' you're talking about?"

"Me."

We both looked frantically around the room to find that the owner of the voice wasn't present. Seras seemed amazed and ecstatic. I rolled my eyes.

"No disembodied voices allowed, Alucard. It's rude to those of us who are relatively _normal_." I watched calmly as he walked through the door. Without opening it. Seras 'ooh'ed and 'aaah'ed around her new master while I sighed. "Is it too much to ask for you to knock once and a while? And maybe open up the door first before walking in?"

Alucard chuckled. "Jealous?"

"Shut up!" I crossed my arms and scowled. "What do you want, anyway?"

"Checking up on Police Girl." He stated simply.

"Oh. Have fun with that." I picked up my DS and continued with my game. I was just about to reach the end of the level when it was plucked from my very hands. My jaw fell open and I look up from where the screen used to be into Alucard's red, gleaming eyes. "What the HELL dude! Give me my game back!"

He grinned smugly. "Make me, human."

I narrowed my eyes. "Aren't you supposed to be checking up on _her?_" I pointed to Seras, who waved cheerily. He shrugged, the grin still plastered on his face.

"She's fine for now." He dangled the DS in front of me. I couldn't help myself- I tried to snatch it away, but he pulled it just out of my reach. I sat back down and huffed haughtily. I wasn't about to go for the bait.

"I didn't want to play it anyway." I pulled out a novel from my side table and began reading it. Not surprisingly, it was plucked from my hands as well. I could feel myself pressing my lips into a straight line in frustration.

"May I ask _why_ you're doing this, Alucard?" I managed to get the sentence out in a way that sounded relatively calm. I forced myself to look into his eyes, which were shining with glee.

"I don't _need_ a reason, human." His grin spread into a full-fledged smile. It was infuriating, but I was determined not to do anything about it.

"Fine. I'm just going to stare at that wall over there, then. And there's nothing you can do about it. Well, I suppose you could either destroy the wall or pluck out my eyes, but I'm quite sure Sir Integra wouldn't be happy with either of those actions. In fact, I'm sure she wouldn't be very amused with what you're doing right _now_." I flashed him a dangerous glare. He chuckled lightly and tossed my things back to me before seemingly melting into the floor. I shook my head lightly. "I don't think I'm ever going to figure that guy out." I looked up to see Seras staring at me, her brows knit in frustration. "..what!? What'd I do now??"

"He spent more time talking to you than he did me!"

"No…he wasn't talking to me, he was _annoying_ me. On _purpose_. There's a difference there." I went back to playing my game as Seras stormed out of the room. "That's it. Next chance I get, I'm requesting to be transferred to another room. The last thing I need is a jealous vampire after me…" I sighed as my little game avatar missed the cliff he was jumping for and fell to his cutely-animated, untimely death. "Yep. I know EXACTLY how you feel, my little pixel friend. My only pixel friend…my only friend! I have no friends!" I suddenly remembered the thing Brandi had handed to me when I last saw her. It was a well folded note of some sort. I had never opened it because, to be completely honest, I forgot about it about…oh….seven seconds after she had given it to me and I had shoved it in a random pocket. I pulled open the little drawer in the nightstand and ruffled through the crap I had shoved in there over the past two weeks.

"Let's see…bullets, bullets, handgun, more bullets, empty bullet cases- why the hell do I have those?- aaaaaand HERE!" I pulled the note out triumphantly. "Hah! Now let's see what she had written!" I carefully unfolded the note to find….

Absolutely nothing.

I was baffled. "Why would she give me a blank note?" I held it up to the light, but as far as I could tell, it was nothing more than a blank piece of paper. "What, is this so I can write my own will? Hey! That's not such a bad idea!"

I grabbed myself a blank sheet of paper from a notebook I used to randomly sketch stuff in (Walter had once commented that I was quite a good artist when he caught a glance of a picture I drew. It was me stabbing Anderson in the head with a sharpened egg beater.) and sat down at the table with a quill and a small bottle of ink. There really wasn't a reason for me to use a quill. I just felt like it.

_To Whomever is Reading This,_

_Well, this is my last will and testament. If you're reading this, I'm assuming I'm dead. Fully dead. Not ghoul dead, or vampire dead, or any sort of undead dead. I mean rotting-in-the-ground dead. Pushing up daisies dead. Dead dead. If I am, for some reason, NOT dead (which is not to say that I SHOULD be dead) and you find yourself reading this, I must ask you to cease and desist. Now._

_Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way, my name is Alexia Winters, and at the time of writing this, I am at least partially competent and of sound mind. There's been some WEIRD stuff that's happened to me lately (not like alien abduction weird, but I digress), but I think for the most part I'm still as sane as I've ever been, which isn't really saying much. I've never had a psyche test done (no matter how much I was told I should get one done), so I'm just going to assume I'm stable. Stable enough to write a will, anyhow._

_Since I'm thinking that my family back home already thinks I'm dead, I guess I can only leave my belongings to the people here at Hellsing. Huh. If you're not from Hellsing and you're reading this, Hellsing doesn't exist, alright? What? You don't believe me!? Well, you should. I'm dead. Have some respect, damnit. So, let's see._

I paused from writing and looked around the room, trying to remember what actually belonged to me and what belonged to the Hellsing organization. After taking a quick inventory, I began writing once again.

_I came here with few belongings, so this is going to be short. Walter can have my Ipod, even though I'm not entirely sure he'll like the music on it. Eh. He can always change that._

_I've just met Seras, but she can have my DS. She'll probably need some entertainment, and I'm sure there's a game there that she'll enjoy._

_I don't think I have anything Sir Integra would want, so I'm just going to say she can have my laptop. There's nothing much on it, so she can probably just give it away or whatever. It's not like I care. I'm dead._

_And Alucard can have…umm…I don't have anything for you. Seriously. I can't think of anything. I'm at a loss. Well, I guess if I had something you wanted, and I haven't given it away, feel free to take it. Eh._

_Everything else can just go in the garbage. Who cares._

_Right. I'm not going to finish this right now, seeing as how I'm still alive and might acquire more stuff that people might want. But NOT until I'm dead! Don't kill me for it either, or I'll come back as a ghost and haunt you until you die, then I'll kill your soul. That's right._

I pondered for a bit, tapping the end of my nose with the stiff feather of the quill. Since I had never written a will before, I wasn't entirely sure how it was supposed to end, so I just made something up.

_Okay, that's it. Go away now. I'm dead and you've got your stuff. That's what you wanted, isn't it? ISN'T IT!? Damn you ALL!_

I nodded to myself in approval before lightly patting the ink to make sure it was dry. Satisfied that it was, I folded it up and shoved it in the back of a random drawer of mine. Sighing, I sat back down on my bed.

"Well…now that I've gotten _that_ out of the way, what should I do now?" I paused for a moment before taking out the sheet of paper Brandi gave me. "I wonder if anyone else would be able to tell if there was something on this sheet of paper?"

Thus, my quest had…..BEGUN.

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Right right. As usual, reviews are welcome and appreciated, nice or otherwise. 


	3. A Note, A Coffin, and the Great Escape

**Chapter 3: Surprising Prayers, Adventure in the Labyrinth, and Bed Woes.**

The timeline got a bit wonky around the end, just so you know. Eh heh...Also, this story is loosely based on the mangas, just so you know. I say 'loosely' because I'm going to change some events and stuff and timelines and whatnot. Okay, I'm done talking now, disclaimer and blah. Oh, and thank you to those who reviewed! -waves cheerily- I suppose I should thank everyone who endeavors to read this story...thanks for putting up with me and possibly enjoying it as well!

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Determined to figure out what the hell the blank piece of paper meant, I began to seek the counsel of those around me. But before that, I went to bed, since it had been three in the morning. Waking up a noon, bright eyed and bushy tailed, I flounced out of the room with the blank sheet of paper in tow, searching for someone slightly intelligent to help me with my mystery. Figuring that Integra would be a good candidate, I made my way to her office and let myself in.

"Could you possibly help me with-" I stopped abruptly as I received the coldest, most murderous look I have ever seen from Integra, who had taken the time to look up from busily scribbling her signature on an undoubtedly important piece of paper. Wordlessly, I slowly backed out of the room and closed the doors as quietly as I could. "_Shit_ that was scary." I turned and rested my back against the thick wooden doors. "I'm never going to enter a room without knocking _again_."

Figuring that it would be best to forego Integra's insight for the time being, I decided to look for the person I deemed the most sane. "I wonder where Walter's gone off to?" Since I had nothing else to do (and couldn't think of anyone else to ask, knowing that Seras and Alucard were sleeping and _probably_ wouldn't take too kindly to being woken up) I decided to wander around aimlessly for a while. I held out the piece of paper and stared at it as I walked.

"Hmm…I wonder if she did that on purpose, even. I know she's absent minded sometimes, but so am I, and I would never forget to _write a note_ before giving said note to the intended recipient of twice-mentioned note." I turned a corner and before I knew what had happened I found myself sprawled on the floor, a bewildered Walter trying to save what tea things were still on the ornate silver tray he was balancing on one hand. It was then I became distinctly aware of the intense burning sensation on my right forearm.

"AUUGH!" I sat up quickly and started waving my arm around like a lunatic. "It _buuuuurnssssss!!_"

"Oh dear! My apologies, Miss Alexia!" He set the tray down on the floor and helped me onto my feet.

"Errgh…no, it was my fault. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for you, anyway." I hissed at the pain of the burn and jumped from foot to foot. Good thing I had put my shoes on, because the ground was covered in bits of sharp, shattered teacup that crunched lightly under my feet. "Don't tell me…those were bone china or something else equally expensive or precious."

Walter sighed sadly. "It was part of a set that has been with the Hellsing family for generations."

"Well, at least there's a whole _set_ of it and not just that _one_." I paused, looking at him suspiciously. "_Riiiight?_"

"Well, it's certainly not a complete set anymore." He sighed again and picked up the tray. "If you follow me, I can bandage up your arm as I get- what's this?" He picked up the piece of paper Brandi had given me, which was now completely soaked. For a moment I was jealous that pieces of paper couldn't feel pain. Walter straightened out the soggy piece of paper, somehow managing to do that AND balance the tray at the same time. He stared at it for a couple of moments before giving me a strange look. "Were you trying to find me to _give_ this to me?"

"Uh, no. I was going to ask if you had any idea about how I might go about finding out what Brandi had given it to me for."

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "I think the message is quite clear, miss."

"BaWHUH!?" My eyes flew open with surprise. "Let me see that!" He handed the piece of paper back with a jovial chuckle. I gasped in surprise at what the sheet of paper said.

_I pray that your heathen, blackened soul endures endless torture in the deepest, sulphurous bowels of hell. Oh, and by the way, I'm GOING to the school in the Vatican, no matter how stupid you think it is!_

_-Your Friend Always,_

_Brandi._

"What a bloody _weirdo_." I breathed as I finished reading the letter. "She says all then, then signs it 'your friend always'?" I thought for a moment. "And when did she get water-activated ink? I didn't think that existed! What a BITCH! OW!" I started waving my arm around again in a vain effort to alleviate the pain. "That's not a very nice thing to pray for, Brandi. I hope you DON'T go to hell, because I sure don't want to have to be down there with _you _ for an eternity!" I spat on the piece of paper before throwing it on the floor and stomping on it a couple of times. I stood still for a couple of seconds before turning to Walter. "Sorry. I'll clean that up after I get my arm bandaged."

"Ah, yes. In regards to that, please follow me." I followed Walter (who had to wait for me several times because I had a habit of stopping and staring at the paintings hanging on the walls, with my jaw unhinged, going 'oooh' and 'aaaah') down the labyrinthine halls until he stopped at a rather unremarkable door. He swung it open and motioned for me to go inside.

"If you'll just wait in here for a few moments, I'll be right back after I drop this tray off in the kitchen." He turned to leave.

"WAIT!" He stopped abruptly and half-turned to look at me. "You're getting tea for Sir Integra, right?"

He nodded affirmatively.

"Get her that first. Lord knows she needs it more than I need medical help." Walter gazed at me questioningly, but nodded in agreement then left, closing the door behind him. "And maybe half a bottle of Zoloft to chill her out." I wasn't entirely sure if antidepressants could help with stress relief, but it was the only thing that came to mind at the moment. I found myself in a small, sterile room. There were two standard doctor's office waiting room chairs to my left, sitting right beside a mysterious door. There were also some cabinets and crap. Who cares about that though? The mysterious door was _way_ cooler to focus on. I slowly walked over and reached out for the doorknob. However, I hesitated as my conscience randomly decided to kick in. I hate that. Always when you're going to do something _fun_.

_Don't do it! Who knows what might be behind that door!?_

"_I'll_ know what's behind that door if you just let me _open it_!" I growled to the little voice in my head.

_It could be dangerous!_

"Or it could be cake." I shrugged, ignoring the fact that I was arguing with myself. "We won't know until we go in and find out, now, will we?"

_What is there's something deadly there and it kills you?_

"Walter isn't stupid," I scoffed, "he wouldn't leave me in a room with a dangerous thing behind nothing more than a _door_."

…_You're dormed with vampires._

"Touché, myself." I whistled at my own observation. "Regardless, I'm going in." With that being decided, I grabbed the knob and turned. I gave the door a little push and let it swing open, watching with great anticipation at the grand unveiling of the mysterious realm beyond the equally mysterious door. I was greatly disappointed to find a blank wall just a few feet in front of the door I had just opened.

"That was a bit of a letdown." I stuck my head through the doorway and looked in to find that it was actually a small observation room. "Huh." I sauntered in and sat down in one of the few chairs that had been placed near a window. There was a light switch to the right of it. Feeling reckless, I flipped it on to see lights flicker on in what looked to be a dissection room. There was an operating table in the middle of the room, it's cold metal reflecting the overhead fluorescent lighting. There was a small trolley in the far corner, adorned with what I assumed were operating/chopping/hacking/mutilating tools. The room was rather large, so I couldn't tell. The wall on my right side was lined with those little drawers you have in morgues. You know, the ones you shove the dead bodies into. I don't know what they're called, but the entire wall was one solid black of 'em. A couple pairs of scrubs hung limply from hooks on the wall.

"_Whoah…_" I took in the view, my eyes scanning the scene as a whole. "Awesome _and_ creepy. Reminds me of that one room in Resident Evil: Code Veronica where you get the crossbow, I think. Isn't that where you either get or have to use the code from the painting?" I looked for a painting on one of the walls, but my search came up fruitless. "And I don't remember seeing any numbers anywhere. Or a keypad here, for that matter." I shrugged then stood up. "I'm starting to creep myself out."

Switching off the lights, I exited the observation room, creepy chills running up my spine. "Ugh. I'm not going to be able to sleep for _nights_ now." I closed the door as quietly as I could and sat down in one of the bland chairs beside the not-so-mysterious-anymore door. It was then that I noticed my arm wasn't constantly hurting anymore. "Huh…maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought it was." I looked at my arm and saw that it was still red and blotchy where the water had splashed me. Scowling slightly, I poked it, which, in retrospect, wasn't a very smart thing to do. Pain shot up through my arm again, and the dull, throbbing pain that usually comes with burns was back again in full force.

"Damnit! Why am I so _stupid!?_" I whimpered and cradled my burned arm. "This is all Brandi's fault. I hate her. If I ever see her again, I'm going to punch her in the sternum, knee her in the head, then spit on her." I pouted. " Where's _Waaaaalter?_"

Just then, Walter opened the door and strode into the room. "How does your arm feel?"

"Like it's been burned." I replied coldly. "Sorry. I was just thinking about how much I hate Brandi. _Bitch…_" I grumbled some choice expletives under my breath as Walter rummaged through the cabinets, grabbing this and that. Satisfied that he had everything he would need, he walked over to where I was sitting and crouched down, grabbing my arm gently. He then covered the burn in some sort of…stuff…that cooled the area, then wrapped it tightly in gauze and secured the end with tape.

"There. How does that feel?"

I blinked dumbly and flexed my hand for some reason unbeknownst to me, even. "Feels like ten and a half bucks." He looked at me uncomprehendingly. "Well, it sure as hell doesn't feel like a _million_ bucks, but assuming that having it chopped off would be zero bucks and having it perfectly fine is fifteen bucks, one could say that it feels much better."

Walter smiled and gathered up the medical items he had brought over and made his way back to the cabinets. "Very good. If you wish to change the bandage, everything is in here." He stated as he closed the cabinet door soundly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be back to my duties."

"Okay! Thanks, Walter!" I smiled cheerily, which was something I didn't often do. He smiled in return.

"My pleasure." He gave a little bow before walking off. I sighed and got up.

"I suppose I should find something to do now." I got up an left the room. Contemplating my situation a bit further, and taking a long, hard look left and right down the hall, I realized that I didn't have the slightest clue as to where the hell I was. "Uh-oh…"

I ended up wandering around for quite a few hours. Most of the Hellsing manor was devoid of life, and I would have nosed around a bit more if a majority of the rooms hadn't been locked. And I wasn't good at picking locks, either, which kind of took away most of the fun I could have had.

"I should have paid attention when I was following Walter…" I grumbled angrily to myself, passing the same doorway for a third time. "All right, I don't think I've been down _this_ way…" I went in the direction I didn't think I went in before and ended up back where I had first run into Walter.

"FINALLY!!" I somehow managed to suppress the urge to fall to my knees and kiss the floor in joy. I settled with throwing a jubilant punch into the air and doing a random happy dance. I was twirling around when Integra turned the corner and stood stock still, staring at me, looking none impressed with my happy dance. I slowly ground to a halt and stared back after briefly checking my watch.

"I've been lost for the past three hours." I explained meekly, feeling a slight blush rise to my cheeks. Integra just rolled her eyes and walked past me at a brisk pace. I watched her walk down the hall and around the corner. Sure that she was, in fact, gone, I began to dance once again.

After a couple minutes of triumphant dancing, I made my way back to my shared room, a renewed spring to my step. "Oh yeah…I p0wned…the labyrinth…uh huh…I'm awesome…" I continued to sing disjointedly as I entered the room, only to find Seras looking very unhappy and growling at Walter, who was smiling apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Miss Victoria, but it was on Sir Integra's orders." I looked closer to find Seras pointing towards a wood coffin sitting on the floor where her bed had previously been. So _that's_ what she was so angry about. I laughed and smiled smugly at Seras.

"Ha! At least I still…have….mine…" My jab seemed to have backfired, as, upon further inspection, my bed had been replaces with a coffin as well. I sputtered angrily and glared as Seras now smiled smugly at _me_.

"WAALTER!" I raged, storming over to where he was standing. " I understand why _Seras_ would have to sleep in a coffin, seeing as how she's a _vampire_ and all, but ME!?" Walter could only shrug in apology.

"That was _also_ a part of Sir Integra's orders."

I could feel my left eye twitching as Walter turned back to Seras, who was sniggering quietly at me.

" And Alucard said this: 'You have yet to drink a drop of blood since becoming a vampire. If you do not sleep in a coffin, in the ground from whence you were born, your strength will slowly drain from your body.'" Walter paused. "Well, he said something to that effect, anyhow." Walter shrugged. Seras frowned sadly. I laughed.

"AAAhahahahahaaa!! You fail as a vampire!" I pointed and laughed a bit longer before walking over to my coffin and sitting down heavily on the lid. Seras glared at me coldly. "What!? I can't help it if you suck. _I'm_ more of a vampire than you, and _I'm _not a vampire _at all!_" I grinned evilly, but that grin quickly turned to a scowl as I thought about my predicament. "So why are they _treating_ me like one, then!?" I growled and looked at Walter. "Why do I have to sleep in a coffin too? It's not _faaaair_!" I whined angrily at Walter, who once again shrugged.

"I get the impression that Sir Integra just doesn't like you very much." He said, completely serious. My mouth dropped open and my left eye began to twitch.

"Well, that's _nice._" I drawled sarcastically. "What's next, she's going to force me to drink blood, too? Oh, yeah, that'd be fun, except for the part where I DIE."

Walter sighed and shook his head. "I'm terribly sorry Miss Alexia, but there is nothing I can do."

I frowned, not fully believing him. "I believe you." Did I ever mention that I lie a lot? Yeah. I do. "I also believe that I'm going to go insane any time now." The room went silent. This silence was effectively shattered by the loud grumblings in my stomach. I doubled over. "Hnnng…I'm _hungry_."

"I'll bring you some dinner right away." Walter nodded in my direction and left, seeming happy to be out of the room and away from Seras and me. I got up, shoved the lid off the coffin, and jumped in. It was lined with some sort of foam and a soft velvety material, so it was actually fairly comfortable. "Hey, mine's black on the inside. What's yours?"

Seras removed the lid from her coffin and peered inside. "Pink."

"BWAAAHAHAHAHAAA!!" I laughed for a while and sighed. "Heh heh…pink." I burst out laughing again. Seras glared daggers at me as she climbed in and sat down, wiggling around in an attempt to make herself comfortable.

"I suppose this wouldn't be a good time to mention that I'm claustrophobic."

"No, this _wouldn't_ be a good time to mention that you're claustrophobic." Great. Not only was I stuck in a room with a bitchy vampire, but a bitchy _claustrophobic_ vampire forced to sleep in a _coffin_. Life didn't get any better than that. I gave her a small frown before looking over to the door as Walter carried in a small platter.

"Here's your dinner, Miss Alexia." He set the platter down on a small table in the middle of the room and removed the lid with a flourish to reveal-

"AWESOME! A cucumber sandwich!" I lumbered out of my coffin and stuffed half the sandwich in my mouth. "Fanf awot, Wallltah!"

Walter smiled and bowed before leaving. I chewed my sandwich with reckless abandon and looked up to see Seras watching me, a wistful look in her eyes. I stopped chewing and gave her a creeped-out look. She jumped a bit and smiled embarrassedly.

"Sorry. I just wish _ I_ could eat things like that, too." She sighed sadly. I swallowed my mouthful of food and cocked my head to one side.

"What, you want to _trade_? My humanity for your vampire-ee-ness?"

She scowled deeply. " Don't even _say_ that when you know it can't happen!"

I raised my eyebrows and grabbed the other half of the sandwich. "Trust me…if it could be done, I'd do it." I shoved the rest of the sandwich in my mouth and wandered back to my coffin. " I'd haf no pwoblem wif drinkin blood." I managed to get the sentence out with my mouth completely full. Seras just stared at me. "Wha? Why doef efweyone do dat?" I chewed some more then swallowed. "It's starting to _annoy_ me." I checked my watch. "Ugh. When the HELL did it become eleven o'clock!? No wonder I'm so bloody _tired_.. Where did the day go?" I shook my head, seriously wondering exactly how long I was dancing in tat hallway for. "Eh, no matter." I got up and got ready for bed-er, coffin. After finding a blanket and pillow, I climbed into my new coffin and snuggled in. "G'night, you pathetic excuse for a vampire." I smiled, calling cheerily to Seras.

"Good night, you messed-up example of a human being." She called back, walking out of the room. I grinned to myself as I pulled the lid closed.

"Hey, maybe this isn't going to be half bad. At least I don't sleep at the same time Seras does, so I won't have to put up with her irrational fear and the night terrors that'll most likely ensue."

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Yeah...I'm not the happiest with this chapter, but...yeah. Reviews are appreciated, per usual! 


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